Day Four: My Proudest Moment

This is a really interesting topic for me, and by interesting, I mean difficult for me to answer. So much of my life has been plagued by self doubt and loathing, and it’s very hard to have any moments of pride or satisfaction in what I have made that isn’t tinged in some way with that doubt. So my immediate gut reaction to this questions is: I have none; no moments of pride for me.

But, that initial reaction isn’t true; there are things in my life that I can count as victories, and while I can’t always feel pride in it, I certainly can recognize it for the victory that is was.

Like the time I actually sat down and wrote out the first chapter of my very first story.

Or the time that I finished, actually finished, a collection of rewritten fairy tales.

Or when I was learning to ride a horse.

Or that time in college where I managed to get an A on three consecutive math tests (absolutely unheard of in my life before; even a single A was like a unicorn.)

Or my very first drawing on the computer that actually looked close to what I wanted.

All of these things are like warm embers in my memory, glowing softly and warm. None of them are particularly bright, and very easily overshadowed by a “but then,” but they are there. The proudest moment, however, the one that shines brightest and strongest, is the day when I managed to actually finish the first draft of my novel. Up until that point, I had been writing without a goal or a plot, and I couldn’t think of the end, nor how to get there from the beginning. Then suddenly, while watching my sister’s soccer practice, not only did I discover the ending, but I was able later that day, to actually write out the story in one sitting. It was horribly rushed, and the plot was shaky (and has changed so much since then) but the basic structure was there. I finally understood where the story was leading to, and even though the middle has changed drastically over the years, and will probably change even more over the course of this rewrite, I had finished. I pushed through and got to the end, and now I know that if I could do it once, I can do it again, and again, and again, until this story is one that I am actually unabashedly proud of.

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